Driving here to Fairbanks was half sight-seeing and half a little stressful making sure we stayed on the road. I mean I kinda know the limits of driving on snow/ice on these roads, but why is everyone else in such a damn hurry. Strangely that’s where most of my stress comes from, not the ice. Not sure why I focus on other people so much. It is something I have been working on with myself for a while.

If someone else was holding this conversation with me, I would suggest to them they focus on the possible reasons for their need to make some point and simply to assert themselves. This is what I recognized a long time ago when I understood the need for me to work against what feels like a natural reaction to one-upsmanship. Is that really a word? I don’t know. I’m only aware that this feeling or need or whatever it is to react bothers me, and it goes against everything I think is honorable about those Buddhist, Zen, and even Christian ideals that I’m aware of. None of those traditions encourage any kind of retribution, anyway. And for good reason.

Reactionary behavior is thoughtless and wastes time and energy, and encourages more than just physical harm. There are so many good reasons to honor a more passive existence — I don’t quite understand where this need comes from in the first place. It is really only the unexamined American or maybe western, but definitely affluent, environment that encourages such thoughtless reaction.

I feel like even simple anger or low-key frustration, which is really how I respond to insensitive or thoughtless behaviors by others, is a worthy point of focus and something I need to let go of.

First of all is the judgment. In order to respond to it, I must have judged an action as thoughtless. I’m aware that we each exist in a different world and we all have different connections to our environment. Even though there is a set of common instances, we all interact with it differently. So who am I to judge that someone else is acting thoughtlessly? My judgment is only a reflection of how I would judge myself if I was that person, in that situation, and how do I justify this?

And yes, I’m aware this conversation about judgment is really an example of my critical attitude about which I realized a long time ago that I need to address. Whether these two instances are the same isn’t clear, but that, too, is worthy of some reflection.

Next is the pettiness. Why the fuck do I let any of these small things bother me this way? Not only is it petty for me to be bothered, but it is also petty for me to have judged someone else. It seems like I’m a frustrated person simply looking for a reason to be frustrated, only seeking justification to be the person I’m judging that stranger to be.

And therein lies the issue. This I will reflect on.