Combined with Vassar’s cross-country practices, all the personal and professional work we do has really gotten in the way of our run training. Even though I realize it’s unproductive, I often feel a mild sense of self-loathing about not setting aside enough the time to do this. In a way, when we revert from scheduled goals, I tend to perceive it as a slight value shift, or at least the potential beginning of an eventual shift away from the work we have so far achieved.

Thing is, though, not only do I not want to look at life this way, but I’m also aware of the fallacy of this perspective; I realize there is no absolute goal, and that working intermittently does not change who I am or even the fitness level we are at. Generally speaking, rest periods mean nothing. I often feel negative about it, but in the back of my mind I know that we have had lulls before, and we feel great and we continue running. All it takes after a break is a rededication to the practice.

Living within the momentum of a goal gets me into a certain space — its absence feels uncomfortable. Sort of like all the entries for this project that I wanted to have started by now.

The desire — or perhaps fear — of remaining consistent has no purpose, and yet after all these years I am seemingly unable to defeat it, incapable of change without a tremendous amount of thought, constant awareness of how I feel, and conversations like these to work through the process. The stress I feel about this relatively little part of my life is probably a micro-representation of the overall, more significant process, but in times of prosperity why does such a small thing feel so damned important?

If I am supposed to use all of the same faculties to deal with the ultimate problem of mortality, then how is it feasible to live life in a way requiring so much effort to convince myself of the insignificance of such a small portion of it. Does the similarity in the process suggest that I am putting too much emphasis on these small things? Or am I not emphasizing death enough in my life?