This week marks the start of an experiment in passive observation, which is my way of describing a Buddhist method of thinking. I’m sure there is a better, more descriptive name for it. I’m only talking about a mildly meditative state of being in the world without any judgment at all — simply observing what is around, and recognizing how I filter it. Buddhism often seeks to witness the world as it really is, and this is just my way of doing it.

For a long time I have been aware that we all color our observations, often to subconsciously protect what we believe to be true. Before now I had never sought to understand how my mind does this. I’m not sure I’ve gained any direct insight on this, but my recent state of mind has showed me not only how little I know, but that I want to know even less — about myself, that is.

When I trace back my perception of others who observe someone like me, who is simply attempting to live with no consideration of the outside world, I think I almost immediately realized I don’t like the perception of how I look, and I basically reject any assumptions others must have about me. Even though I don’t really identify with being a white male, I’m not sure it even matters.

My reality is obviously skewed by the way others interact with that appearance, and I have formed a personality around that gravity. But despite my attempts to minimize them, I also realize that there is very little I can do about how parts of me have learned to leverage my physical appearance. I just want to be more honest with myself about how my white male-ness has shaped me and made my personality what it is, so that I can better consider whether or not present aspects of me are worth my still-developing philosophy.

So, if I was to put into words just what I’m attempting to accomplish with the exercise of passively thinking about the world, I suppose it is really an effort to deny who I appear to be — not necessarily who I am. Denying the self that exists would be stupid. Yet, it is clear through this line of reasoning and the thinking I’ve already started that I should consider more deeply the direction I am going with this: the point is not necessarily to attempt accomplishing something I believe is impossible — like altering how other people perceive me — but to change the way that I see myself. Perhaps the larger issue is that I still consider my point of view has some reason to it, when this is a paradox in the context of seeking for a more observational existence.