The real extent of the disconnect between me and my dad was never apparent to me until a few years ago. Back then, the new friction between us was confounding. I’ve since become a parent and that has helped me grow, but I still don’t really understand. You see, I never really had the kind of relationship with him that I imagined as a kid. And as much as I love him, I’m learning our bond isn’t what I thought it was.

Even though mom always said it was important for us to engage, we just didn’t see each other that much when I was young. Back then, life without him was normal and I never questioned it — but now it seems like every individual memory I have, right down to the time I was riding my yellow Big Wheel in the street in front of our house, was wrapped in the confusion of wondering what dad was doing, and wanting him to see me ride.

So. Now that I realize where we are, what do I do — is it really that difficult to build a meaningful relationship with a developing boy? Because it doesn’t feel complicated. I always thought that becoming a father myself would somehow bond us with the common experience of having a son. Maybe it does in ways that aren’t apparent.